Bad Writing Advice II, “When you run out of ideas…”

Many of my readers are perusers of the Internet, seeking their wisdoms in such esoteric corners as a blog devoted to the writings of Desmond White (an anagram for white demons, with an extra “d” that ruins the anagram).  My mailbox brims with questions both philosophical and literary. So, in an effort to retain my readership’s eyeballs (which could and probably should be back to Imgur or Reddit), I will continue to write my Bad Writing Advice column, which isn’t actually bad writing advice, which is actually filled with perennial wisdoms.

helpful puppy
Puppy will help too!

Writers such as Stephen King often ask me what to do when they run out of ideas. Sometimes it’s in the middle of a story they’re writing. Sometimes they’ve completed the story and are stumped in the rewrite. Sometimes they can’t even begin.

My advice is simple. Anytime you run out of ideas, toss in a sexy baby.

Babies are adorable and everyone loves them. Endless youtube videos and google image searches have confirmed this fact. And sex appeal is an important asset to writers. We live in a hyper-sexual world that needs constant stimulation. And I mean constant. So why not a sexy baby? Give me one good reason.

Don't mind me, just being sexy AND a baby.
Don’t mind me, just being sexy AND a baby.

Of course, there are instances where the inclusion of a sexy baby would be inappropriate, especially if you’re already introduced a sexy baby earlier in the chapter. In fact, in the wrong place, a sexy baby can kill a story. Introducing a highly eroticized infant somewhere between its birth and second birthday is a difficult decision that deserves discretion.The sexy baby must be naturalized into the narrative. Perhaps have the protagonist notice the sexy baby on his way home from the gym. The sexy baby could be being pushed in a stroller, or could be breast-feeding in a flirtatious manner. The baby could be winking at him or could be caught “checking him out.” But that’s just one idea. There are unlimited possibilities. Explore your story’s potential.

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